You guys, I am miserable. And mortified. And thankfully I can laugh about it and share it all with you so you, too, can laugh.
I headed to urgent care this past Wednesday evening due to this horrible, gnawing, burning, and sometimes stabbing and slicing pain in my stomach that had been going on and off for almost a month. I know, long time, but the first time it happened I thought I had a stomach virus. The second time it happened I stopped taking my antiinflammatories. And this time it happened I thought I was having an alien baby… Or just had an ulcer.
So I get there and they are very kind and most certainly suspecting an ulcer. They give me a nice cocktail of lidocain to drink in order to rule out acid reflux, and then they sent me for xrays to rule out whatever it was they were going to rule out with that. Probably to get a good look at the alien baby growing inside me…
As I waited for X-ray results, the lab tech came to draw blood, and for the first time in my life I got to experience what it feels like when someone hits a nerve in your arm while drawing blood. HOLY SHITBALLS!!! I felt that ish in my damn TEETH!
He was really nice, though, and was extremely apologetic, and he was humming “you keep me hanging on,” – the Vanilla Fudge version – so I couldn’t even be mad. We clearly had the same soul.
Long story short – Gastritis (figured), a UTI (wtf?), and…. wait for it… Constipation.
Now let me just say that the idea that there is an X-ray of my poo-filled insides floating around in my medical chart is just more than I can handle. Also, the fact that my alien baby is really a poo baby is messing with my mind, man, and a bit more than I can handle. And I’d also like to say that three days on laxatives is CERTAINLY more than I can handle. But I do remember telling my doctor that I thought the Lyrica was causing me problems down there when we first started upping my dosage…
So…. Thanks, Lyrica. And Antiinflammatories. And… Whatever else. Obama? Can I thank Obama? Fine. Thanks, Obama. Whew. I already feel better.
Except I really don’t.
The one good thing is all the burning in my stomach is fine thanks to the famotidine. I’m so thankful that I can finally go back to consuming an entire jar of Famous Dave’s sweet and spicy pickles without any pain. Not that I’d actually do that…often…
We’ll see how this progresses.
To be continued……