To My Future Mother-in-Law, Wherever She May Be

I’ve realized I’ve been going about dating the wrong way. Dating sites? Why?! Why would I want to directly connect with men when I could be trying to connect with the person who is most important in this relationship – my future mother-in-law.

So without further adue, here is why your son should date me and then marry me:

1) I can cook.


Kind of. And this is good because I cook well enough to feed your son properly, but not good enough to ever be better than you. Win/win.

2) I. Made. This.


You see this? I made it! It walks! It breathes! It talks! And I’ve kept it alive for 5 years! I’m fucking amazing, this kid is fucking amazing, and I COULD MAKE MORE JUST LIKE HIM! Imagine how cute your grand babies are going to be. You will be the envy of all of your friends when you show off the plethora of photos I will shower you with – no yoda babies here,100% guaranteed. Plus, the first model is awesome sauce and will make you feel like a grandma goddess!

3. This mess.


You see it? When you come to my house, I’m sorry *our* house, I WILL LET YOU CLEAN THIS SHIT. Yep. You will never hear a single excuse out of me. Yes, this house *is* dirty. Hell yes you can clean it! Don’t let those other bitches be all snotty towards you. Pick me. I will let you clean, move, recover, refurbish, and reorganize whatever the fuck you want to. I will even put out those freaky ass mallards you will inevitably buy us just before you come over each and every time. Win/win.

4. Two words – unlimited everything.

You see this phone? Wait, you can’t because I’m using it right the fuck now because this thing never leaves my side. Which is a good thing because it will send you candid shots of your future objects of spoiling all day long. Want to talk to me because your son won’t answer the phone when you call? Yes, mom, I’m right here – can I call you mom? And just imagine how smart you will feel when I call you for tips on how to use my sewing machine! I will even friend you on Facebook.

So if you’ve been longing for the daughter you never had, you can finally stop. Your search is over. Even if you have a daughter already, once you meet me you will realize you really have been longing for the daughter you never had anyways. So, seriously. What are you waiting for? Don’t let someone else, who is probably less worthy, snatch me up. Your future grandbabies are at stake!

Let’s do this!


4 thoughts on “To My Future Mother-in-Law, Wherever She May Be

  1. Wow you didn’t warn them about your potty mouth. You should re-edit this for those “holy rollers”

    P.S. I can come by and Clean that shit just let me know!

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