Posted in Fibromyalgia, life lessons, oh momma!

Thank you for waking up

July 17, 2011

Aha, little boy. I am awake before you. The echoes of your words are still bounding through my head, “thank you for waking up for me.”

I can’t chose when my body will shut down on me, and it hurts me to see you so thrilled that “mommy woke up.” The only comforts I have are knowing that it only happens once in a while, that I am determined to do all I can to not let it happen when you are home, and that even on my worst days I STILL get us out for a bike ride and walk.

Two of the biggest forces in my life – my love and dedication to you, my child, and the symptoms of fibromyalgia – are constantly at war. I find peace, though, that, at even the end of my good days, I always wonder if I did all I could for you, if I gave you all I had, if I did my best for you.

That brings me peace because I know that as long as I continue to reflect and learn I will continue to be the best mother to you – even on my worst days. If my standards are the moon on good days, then on bad days we’ll still land among the stars.

Some days I wonder why you had to have a mother with fibro, but then I figure better to have a dedicated mother with fibro than a complete idiot with no excuse. Right?

I guess what I’m really trying to say (to myself) is a day full of cartoons, movies, a bike ride, and a first time lightbrite experience really isn’t that bad… even if I fell asleep during the movie. And the cartoons.

Oh little boy… I am fighting the urge to pounce on YOU for a change so early in the morning, but you are angelic and peaceful and I’m not as evil as you tend to be in the morning.

Posted in Uncategorized

fibro face

December 13, 2010

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this is what it looks like, the flare that has been toying with me for days like a clawless cat after a mouse – batting and cornering, just barely nipping. except today the cat suddenly grew claws and has deeply sunk them into me.

i should have known. my signature stiff and jerky “joe cocker and t-rex love child” walk started friday evening. saturday morning all the muscles i own felt like they’d been hit by a semi truck. by sunday afternoon the knee i had surgery on last summer was sending out pain signals i haven’t felt since my knee rehab physical therapy. but i plowed through, like a good girl should.

now i am tight and spasming all over – back, gut, all appendages. i cannot touch anything that is even slightly cold or i risk sending my nerves into a frenzy, as i discovered when my son placed a piece of his playdoh on my wrist. how do you explain to a 3 year old that playdoh hurts enough to make you want to scream “get it off of me NOW!!”?

my face is stuck in a vice grip of pressure and pain, sending my jaw into such tension that i actually just broke my molar – fibroteeth just don’t last long.

and i’ve taken all the meds i can take without making myself fall asleep – which is no good when you have a darling little one to look after.

on a pain scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is the worst pain ever, im at a 9. i know there is one stage worse than this, so i will take a few scalding hot baths and pray that it eases my body back to normal.

fyi, normal is about a 5 or a 6. that is where i function pain-wise on most days. a really great day is a 2 or 3. a 1 happens every once in a while, and it is heaven.

still i will take this 9 over that damn fibrofog any day. at least i know what’s going on and where i am.

at least i think i do…

Posted in Uncategorized

To My Future Mother-in-Law, Wherever She May Be

I’ve realized I’ve been going about dating the wrong way. Dating sites? Why?! Why would I want to directly connect with men when I could be trying to connect with the person who is most important in this relationship – my future mother-in-law.

So without further adue, here is why your son should date me and then marry me:

1) I can cook.

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Kind of. And this is good because I cook well enough to feed your son properly, but not good enough to ever be better than you. Win/win.

2) I. Made. This.

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You see this? I made it! It walks! It breathes! It talks! And I’ve kept it alive for 5 years! I’m fucking amazing, this kid is fucking amazing, and I COULD MAKE MORE JUST LIKE HIM! Imagine how cute your grand babies are going to be. You will be the envy of all of your friends when you show off the plethora of photos I will shower you with – no yoda babies here,100% guaranteed. Plus, the first model is awesome sauce and will make you feel like a grandma goddess!

3. This mess.

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You see it? When you come to my house, I’m sorry *our* house, I WILL LET YOU CLEAN THIS SHIT. Yep. You will never hear a single excuse out of me. Yes, this house *is* dirty. Hell yes you can clean it! Don’t let those other bitches be all snotty towards you. Pick me. I will let you clean, move, recover, refurbish, and reorganize whatever the fuck you want to. I will even put out those freaky ass mallards you will inevitably buy us just before you come over each and every time. Win/win.

4. Two words – unlimited everything.

You see this phone? Wait, you can’t because I’m using it right the fuck now because this thing never leaves my side. Which is a good thing because it will send you candid shots of your future objects of spoiling all day long. Want to talk to me because your son won’t answer the phone when you call? Yes, mom, I’m right here – can I call you mom? And just imagine how smart you will feel when I call you for tips on how to use my sewing machine! I will even friend you on Facebook.

So if you’ve been longing for the daughter you never had, you can finally stop. Your search is over. Even if you have a daughter already, once you meet me you will realize you really have been longing for the daughter you never had anyways. So, seriously. What are you waiting for? Don’t let someone else, who is probably less worthy, snatch me up. Your future grandbabies are at stake!

Let’s do this!