July 17, 2011
Aha, little boy. I am awake before you. The echoes of your words are still bounding through my head, “thank you for waking up for me.”
I can’t chose when my body will shut down on me, and it hurts me to see you so thrilled that “mommy woke up.” The only comforts I have are knowing that it only happens once in a while, that I am determined to do all I can to not let it happen when you are home, and that even on my worst days I STILL get us out for a bike ride and walk.
Two of the biggest forces in my life – my love and dedication to you, my child, and the symptoms of fibromyalgia – are constantly at war. I find peace, though, that, at even the end of my good days, I always wonder if I did all I could for you, if I gave you all I had, if I did my best for you.
That brings me peace because I know that as long as I continue to reflect and learn I will continue to be the best mother to you – even on my worst days. If my standards are the moon on good days, then on bad days we’ll still land among the stars.
Some days I wonder why you had to have a mother with fibro, but then I figure better to have a dedicated mother with fibro than a complete idiot with no excuse. Right?
I guess what I’m really trying to say (to myself) is a day full of cartoons, movies, a bike ride, and a first time lightbrite experience really isn’t that bad… even if I fell asleep during the movie. And the cartoons.
Oh little boy… I am fighting the urge to pounce on YOU for a change so early in the morning, but you are angelic and peaceful and I’m not as evil as you tend to be in the morning.