Fibromyalgia

let me go

image
red = burning/stabbing, yellow = nerve/stringy/cobwebby pain/sensation, blue = steely/icy/spike-through-my-body pain

I haven’t been able to focus much as of late, p repping our home for guests for this weekend’s celebration of my little one’s fifth birthday. I’ve been cleaning little by little, as much as my body will allow, for nearly two weeks. And yes I am paying for it.

The worth in expending myself for a silly party is that it all needs to get done anyways. I have been trying to get all of this done for nearly two years – since both my grandmother and my mother passed wthin four days of eachother.  I’ve been trying to do this since the last few pieces of my energy were taken away and replaced with fibromyalgia’s finishing touches.  I’ve been trying to do this since pride had it’s long nails deep in my skin, uphill and against the grain for so long… 

And then one day, a friend barged in and made me let her help me.  And when she was done, I was thankful.  I cried.  It was the kindest thing ever, but I dared not ask for the help ever again.  Pride would not let me go.

And then yet another friend barged in, but she needed the little I was able to offer as much as I needed all that she could offer.  We bartered and traded until I not only found my house chores and projects becoming lighter, but I found that pride had finally let me go.  I was finally able to ask for help.

So here I am, in a house that is finally resembling a home.  These last few things wouldn’t break anyone else, but they are so hard on me, on my body.  I’m in the home stretch.  I’ve overdone it several times, but I’m almost there…

And that is the story of fibromyalgia.  We are always “almost there” and so we keep going even when it hurts, even when we know we will pay later.  We are almost there – but where?  We are almost to normal.  We are almost to doing it ourselves.  So see, even when I think that pride has let me go, I realize that I have not let go of pride.

So I wll call in the last few favors that will fit in before the party, and when I look at this house it wil not only be filled with the memories of my grandmother, the love of my mother, and the bond between my son and I, but it will be filled with the people who love me.  All those empty, clean corners will be space holders for the help and love that was always waiting for me to simply let it in.

In the meantime, I’m going to finish my last two chores before finally tending to my aches – unless fibro disagrees. (:

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4 thoughts on “let me go

  1. Thank you for sharing this. I like the connection you drew between the clean corners and opening up space for good things to come into your life . . . Pride is a beast I am well acquainted with. Happy Birthday to your little one.

  2. I’m right there with you. I find it so hard to ask for help or accept another persons offer…pride. I feel guilty, as if there is really nothing wrong and I have no right to ask for help…pride. Thanks for reminding me that I, too, need to walk away from pride.

    Love in Him,

    Catherine

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