I feel my world caving in.
There are too many balls in the air, too many frustrations, and too many things left undone. I see the little improvements, the little changes, and I am pleased but I have to admit that they just aren’t enough. I am drowning in slow motion. I need a patch of dry land to grab onto. Maybe even a desert.
My home is a disaster. I cannot muster the strength or energy to maintain things or to move ahead with projects i started forever ago. Man. I was almost there. Dammit! It was almost done, almost finished! And now it’s just gross and I can’t even help myself. And I don’t want anyone to see it so I try not to have company, so I get extra lonely.
I don’t go out because I don’t have the energy, save a few special occasions that I REALLY pay for afterwards. My daily energy I give to the kids, and by 5pm I am wiped out. I long for a partner to tag in who is happy to be in this together. And that thought makes me even more lonely.
The bills are getting more difficult to manage. I don’t know how others who are worse off than me do it! And I’ve never spent so much time with lawyers in my life, and I now understand their bad reputation – and they are MY lawyers. And just when I think I can’t be surprised at moronic behavior, a particular moron just goes and proves me wrong.
Yes, I am maxed out. I have met my limit, and I dont like what it is doing to me.
My son is so happy. He is thrilled to have his cousins over during the summer and I am thrilled to watch them become friends. Yes it extra wears me out, but there are so, so many benefits.
I know with every fiber of my being that these hard times come to clean you out in order to make room for bigger and better things. I do believe this. I have to remind myself, though. A lot.
Yeah, I think that is all the positivity I can muster tonight.
I’m looking forward to better days.